Chair Affair
by SuicidalImbecile
Summary: Morpheus has a chair fetish; Neo becomes a nudist; Trinity is scarred by Morpheus's ballet recitals; and Link isn't able to handle the Neb's oddness.


ZOMG A CRACKFIC? YESSSS.

I swear to God I don't do drugs.

INSPIRATIONS: CRABS, MORPHEUS'S AWESOME CHAIRS, KENYA, TOYOTA, KLONDIKE BAR (a.k.a. Caitlin), THE MATRIX

* * *

One day, Morpheus was sitting alone in the operator's chair. It was his shift. He was very lonely in the cold and in the dark. He had thought about asking one of his friends to join him when he realized he didn't have any friends.

Morpheus became even sadder by the fact. He rubbed his hand up and down the arm of the chair and whispered, "I still have you."

"You'll always have me, Morpheus!" said the chair in a goofy voice.

"Mister Chair, you always know how to chair me up!" Morpheus said, thinking he had made a clever play on the word 'cheer'.

As Morpheus got on his knees and hugged the chair, Link stood in the background sporting his WTF? face.

When Morpheus was finished caressing the seat, Link cleared his throat.

Morpheus stood up right away. "Uh, Link, I wasn't-" Morpheus said; trying to find the words he wanted.

"I better go tell Neo and Trinity!" Link was already running down the hall.

THEY CAN'T KNOW MY SECRET!!!! Morpheus screamed inwardly.

He sprinted after Link and tackled him to the floor. Morpheus sat on Link's back and pushed his face into the metal.

He leaned in closely and threatened, "Link, if you ever tell anyone what you just saw, I will throw you into the tunnels myself and make sure the sentinels find you." Morpheus narrowed his eyes. "Do you understand me?"

Link groaned. "Not really. Your hand is sort of pressed against my ear and the other one is against the floor."

"Oh, sorry," Morpheus said as he removed his hand from Link's face. "Link."

"Sir?"

"You must pinky promise me you won't tell anybody."

"Morpheus, who the hell pinky promises anymore? Isn't that for five year old girls?"

Morpheus leaned in closely again. "I am a five year old girl," he whispered. "Don't you remember the leotard you found in my cabin?"

Link had his WTF? face again. "No... I must have blocked it out. Just like I will with tonight's events."

"LINK!" Morpheus shouted suddenly. "Pinky promise?"

"Once you get off me!"

Morpheus grumbled and lifted himself off Link.

As Link got off the floor, he groaned. "How much do you weigh, Morpheus? I think you broke my back."  
Link turned to see Morpheus grinning. It was a creepy grin. He didn't like it...

Morpheus's arm was outstretched, his pinky wiggling.

Link took his own finger and hooked it with his captain's.

"Spit on it?" Morpheus suggested.

Link pulled his hand away. "No!"

Morpheus shrugged and began to walk away. Before reaching the door, he did a twirl. Link shuddered.

Link wanted to tell his crewmates. He couldn't keep the secret to only himself.

Neo and Trinity are probably having sex though. I can't just barge in and tell them that their captain has a chair fetish, Link thought.

Link walked to the cabins and knocked on Trinity and Neo's door. He immediately regretted it when he heard the couple's moaning then he heard them shuffling around in the room.

Trinity opened the door just a crack. She poked her head out just a bit and said, "Look what I learned to do." She crossed her eyes and stuck her tongue out. At the same, she puffed out her cheeks and pulled on her ears. She then continued to turn her head slowly from side to side.

Link, with his WTF? face, said, "Trinity, let me in. I have a secret to tell you."

"A secret?" Neo called from inside the room with a British accent.

The WTF? face became an OMG-WTF? face as Link wondered why Neo was talking with an accent.  
Trinity opened the door wider and Link stepped in, not realizing that both Neo and Trinity were stark naked.

He saw Neo on the bunk, rather revealing (and also rather erect). Trinity still stood at the door. She was just as clothesless.

Link covered his eyes and asked, "Can you two please put some clothes on?"

"Nope, Trin and I have decided to become full fledged nudists!" Neo said happily with his British accent.

"We figured that since we already spend so much time naked together, our clothes were just setting us back. And Link, this must feel strange to you, but I am a confident woman. I feel just as comfortable walking around with clothes on as I do when I'm at Morpheus's ballet recitals," Trinity added.

"YOU KNOW ABOUT HIM?!?!?" Link asked, uncovering his eyes.

"Of course," Trinity replied nonchalantly. "I've been going to them for years."

She started to look scared. "He makes me go. Every time, I want to gouge my eyes out! But Morpheus says he will make me do a duet with him if I don't go to his performances."

Link became uncomfortable. "Aren't you going to get cold if you're naked all the time?" he asked, changing the subject.

"The power of the nudist god, Zoltar, will keep us warm," Neo answered.

Link glanced toward the open door. "I'm just going to go..."

Two weeks later, after reoccurring nightmares and many cold showers, Link made his first public appearance in the mess hall.

Neo and Trinity sat next to each other (nude), eating their goop.

Morpheus wasn't present in the room. Link wasn't sure if that was good or bad.

He took his place at the opposite side and end of the table.

"Has Zoltar granted your wish yet?" Trinity asked.

Neo looked down. "Nope."

Trinity rubbed his back. "Aw, I'm sorry. He will though! Don't worry."

"What did you wish for?" Link asked. He probably didn't want to know, but curiosity got the better of him.

"I wished I was big," Neo replied. "You know, _big_."

Link stood up from the table and threw his bowl onto the floor. "I've had enough of this-"

Link was cut off by a girly scream.

Link, being the Buttmunch Crusader he is, stormed into the Core and started yelling at Morpheus.

"I am _so_ sick of you! You know, they _told_ me! Everyone said you guys were freaks and did I listen? No! I don't know why I agreed to operate on this ship. Oh! Wait, yes I do! Because I was drunk! Now I'm stuck you freaks!" Link heard Morpheus sobbing.

"Oh. Morpheus, that was very harsh, I'm sor-" Link stopped his apology. He noticed Morpheus was hugging the bottom of the chair.

Link looked around himself and saw the back of the chair several feet away.

"What the hell happened?" Link asked.

"Somebody… Broke… MY LOVER!" Morpheus choked on his words and got into a huge coughing fit. It was unfitting for the moment.

Morpheus glared at Link.

"It wasn't me, Sir!"

"I… think it was Neo and Trinity doing some weird sex thing," said Morpheus.

Link wanted to pull a Cypher and kill his crew mates, at the moment. There were a lot of repairs to be done so he decided that it wasn't the best day.

…Maybe tomorrow.

Later that night to make himself feel better, Morpheus went into the matrix and danced his depression away.


End file.
